I’m writing this post on Tuesday night, though I won’t be posting it until sometime Wednesday. At least writing this now feels a little bit like telling the secret. Keeping secrets, especially happy ones, is not my forte.
All day Monday I was down with one of the worst migraines I’ve had all year. Extreme pain, throwing up every twenty minutes, the kind of “I could die right now and that would be okay” misery. At some point in the morning the phone rang; there was no way I was getting up. My husband got home after work and came into the room to ask if I’d heard my message. No, I muttered. Who was it? Someone from the National Book Foundation. Oh. Then I went back into my little private world of pain and fantasized about someone coming over right away to give me a two-hour therapeutic massage, projecting myself into a painless future that might come Tuesday night or sooner if I was lucky. Later, annoyed at getting a phone call I’d have to return the next day even though I knew I wouldn’t be feeling nearly well by then, I started thinking, What does the National Book Foundation want from me, anyway? Well, whatever. It can wait. (This tells you just how much this was not on my radar. Kind of embarrassing.)
A couple of hours later I was lying on the couch with my head in my husband’s lap while he read, hoping that either the pain would end soon or my life would. Contemplating my neck pain, my ear pain, my jaw pain…pain all along the nerve that runs down the left side of my head. National Book Foundation. National Book Foundation. Wait a second. Wait. That’s the National Book Award people. I looked at G. “What if I get nominated for a National Book Award?” He said, “I’ll still love you.”
A few minutes after that, I was crouched in front of the toilet, again, because I couldn’t even keep a little juice down. And I thought it was probably a good thing that I was so sick on the day I found out I might possibly be nominated for a big award. It would keep me humble.
As is always the case when I’m migraining, I was in and out of sleep all night, listening to Coast to Coast (twice) and any other voice on the radio that could distract me from my misery. At four in the morning I wondered if it would be too early to call the NBF back. I waited until 7:45 my time. And Harold Augenbraum told me that Story of a Girl is a finalist for the National Book Award. I tried to relate my little, “I was sick, missed your call, wasn’t connecting the dots about what was happening…” story but nothing I could say felt like enough, and everything I could say felt like too much, because in a way it’s a very private moment to be processing.
Mr. Augenbraum told me that this was confidential. Until Wednesday morning at 9:30 Eastern. Like, my editor didn’t even know. Nor my agent. I had to keep this huge secret for an entire day!? It’s killing me, right up to this minute. He also gave me a bunch of details about how it all works, this being a finalist thing. Which is good because “how” is a big question for me right now.
I don’t like to make too too much of it. There are lots of books, movies, albums that I love that have never been recognized. So much awards stuff is at least half luck when it comes to who is judging what when, and just happening to connect with a particular group of people. And I know by now for sure that even the best news does not magically make me a more confident writer, does not erase all the fear and insecurity, doesn’t make me fundamentally different. I still think the best thing in the world is hearing from individual readers. But one does like to entertain fantasies about awards and speeches and having a shiny medallion on one’s book cover. This came out of the blue…somehow not on my radar at all that it was even that time of year. Which is probably the best way to experience it because it would suck to be super aware and spend all day hearing the phone not ring. Right now, coming off the migraine and focusing on getting rehydrated and doing a little straightening up than anything else feels like the right place to be.
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Now it’s Wednesday morning and I know who the other finalists are, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to hear that Sherman Alexie’s wonderful The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian is a finalist, too. Here we are at ALA with our editor, Jennifer Hunt, who is quite obviously brilliant in her taste and skill! It’s going to be terrific to be sharing this experience with them. And congrats to the other three finalists in the young people’s literature category as well: Kathleen Duey, M. Sindy Felin, and Brian Selznick, and of course the finalists in every category. I can’t wait for November 14!
Randomly related:
I really want to hear Camille Paglia saying my name. I’ll be looking for a podcast of that, but if anyone finds it before me, let me know!
I splurged and bought myself a piece of chocolate hazelnut coffee cake this morning.
As luck would have it, weeks ago I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for today. Handy!
I’m kind of having a normal in-office day, and even hope to work. I think that’s the best way to celebrate.