Amazing how waking up at 4:30 a.m. can really help you get stuff done. I think I actually woke up before that, but spent a long time tossing and turning and feeling down on myself for a lot of things—spending too much, eating too much, not writing enough, being selfish and self-absorbed, wasting time, wasting money, wasting talents and relationships. The wee hours are generally not kind to one’s psyche. G. was awake, too, so we finally gave in and turned on the light. For some reason I decided to read through my journal (my paper journal) starting from January of this year. I’m an inconsistent journaler so it wasn’t exactly ten months worth of stuff, but enough to tell me that the things that woke up me up early this morning are the same things I’ve been struggling with all year. I picked up Paul Mariani’s book again, which has taken me so long to get through because it’s so dense with spiritual and personal insights that are specific to Mariani but at the same time seem to articulate exactly what I go through. Where I left off this morning, he writes: …I dressed, put on my boots, and went out to chop ice from the paths and driveway. It didn’t take long to see that I was getting nowhere with that task as well. The sun was going to have to melt this ice when it was good and ready. Just so, it struck me, nothing was going to thaw whatever inner resistance I was up against, except God, who would likewise act in His own good time.

Between the hours of five and eight, I read, wrote in my journal, had breakfast and coffee, fed the pets. By the time G. left for work it felt like we’d already spent more time together than we usually do in an evening. Maybe I should get up at 4:30 every day. Then again, maybe not. I don’t know if intense contemplation should be an everyday occurrence; there are limited amounts of emotional energy available for that.

I feel like I should write some sort of uplifting conclusion to this post to leave on a lighter note for the weekend, but I got nothing. So go read Justine Larbalestier’s recent post and related comments on how to talk to authors. In case you were wondering.