Though Story of a Girl sold in May 2005, it was around this time that year everything was being made official—contracts, payments, deadlines. I was also figuring out with my employer at the time when quitting day would be. Since my job was dead-end, part-time, with no benefits, for me the question wasn’t if I’d leave, but when. We settled on January 31, 2006. My biggest fear when I left was that I’d run out of money and having to go back to work. When that very thing happened in 2007, the perfect temporary job came to me right when I needed it.
As I wrote my second book, my biggest fear was that it would be a huge failure and disappointment, that the success of Story of a Girl was a fluke. Sweethearts ended up doing just fine. When I sold books three and four, I didn’t so much fear total failure as I feared that I lacked what it takes to sustain a writing career over the long term. How could I keep this up? I had a sense of urgency about getting irons in the fire and exploiting every opportunity.
Now that I’m taking the last lap in the editorial process with what will be my fourth book, there are remnants of the fear that I can’t sustain this, but mostly they have settled into questions. What do I want next? What are the prospects that excite me vs. the ones that just make me feel tired? What would I do with the next year if I didn’t have to think about money? I haven’t yet tried to sell a fifth book; that’s been an intentional decision. Do I need a break? Do I need to try something completely new? Would a total failure right about now be exactly what I need?
My time at the Glen Workshop this summer provided roomy space not only for pondering these questions in the quiet of my own head, but exploring them with friends and comrades. No one gasped in horror when I talked about directions I might like to go, no one clutched at me and said But what about your career? (You know who you are. Thank you.) Rather, in several conversations, this warning came up: don’t ever do anything for money. Of course, we don’t live in a fantasy world in which all our bills are paid by a patron, and we all sometimes need to do things for money. Yet it’s wise, when possible, to avoid making creative decisions based on financial need—those are the decisions that are mostly likely to wind up sapping you of your energy and making you resent and avoid your work. In other words: don’t let the fear get to you.
And there are a lot of fears churning around in every writer, maybe most of all in those of us who have had some success. There’s the fear of losing your place in the community or the industry and then not being able to get it back, fear of letting people down, fear of being the subject of one of those “whatever happened to…” conversations, fear of stepping out to try something new and getting shot down, judged, fear of the assumptions people might make if you fade away for awhile. Fear of being broke and forced into a job you hate.
I’m weighing all those fears these days as I think about what’s next, and they don’t seem to the power they once did. A lot has happened in the last five years. A lot a lot. I was 34 then, and now I’m about to turn 40. Many of the things I set out to prove to myself and others back then have been proved. Terrain I wanted to explore has been explored. Now the globe is spinning beneath my fingers; it’s up to me to apply pressure where I want to stop. It’s not up to me how it all might turn out.
From the outside in, maybe whatever I do next won’t look that different from what I’ve been doing. Maybe it will. All I know for sure is that in the midst of being smart about the practical needs and realities, I want to be a beginner again at something creative, to always be a learner, to be bold and risk failure. I want to have faith that when I step off the comfortable path, I’m not going to freefall forever. So far, none of my fears have come to fruition—or at least, when they have, they’ve led not to disaster but to growth. All I have to do is hang onto that when panic threatens and fears seem to regain power. Easy.
(I was inspired to organize these thoughts in part by this piece on vocation, by my friend Allison Backous.)
36 comments for this post
I want to move to Utah just so I can be your friend.
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:02 pm
@Bethany Smith, That’s a move you’d probably regret – but, thanks. :)
Happy 5th! I know how hard you’ve worked and how vulnerable you’ve made yourself to have the success you’ve enjoyed. You’re totally amazing, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next, no matter what it is.
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
@Kathryn, thx, K. xo
I love this. Thanks Sara. You teach me so much, and I’m really grateful for that.
For me, it’s about enjoying today. Every time I start to panic about the future, I take a deep breath, remind myself that I have today, and tell myself to enjoy it. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, financially or otherwise, but I have today. And it’s amazing how that has helped me get to this point (7 months as a full-time writer, when I was pretty doubtful at times if I could make it 6).
Congratulations on 5 years!!
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:04 pm
@Lisa Schroeder, Yes, being present to NOW is such a huge part of this. I’m so happy for your 7 months!
Micol Ostow Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:43 pm
@Sara, Lisa, you’re so right about the now. Another thing I will remind myself of when I’m having a writer meltdown. And congrats on your own milestone! I’ve been writing full-time for 2 and a half years now and can’t believe it’s even been that long.
Happy 5th, my friend. I’m proud of what you’ve done and what you will do. Of course, I’m mostly proud of where all that comes from – who you are.
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:05 pm
@Mike Martin, Thanks, Mike. I’m hugging you with my thoughts. In a non-pervy way.
Thanks for this. It’s so easy in many ways to let fear drive our decisions. well for me. I’m sort of at a “I have no idea what’s next” phase in my life in almost every area. This gives me something to think about.
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
@Amy @ My Friend Amy, It’s kind of an exciting place to be if you can ward off the fears. On good days, I’m really relishing that I don’t know.
You are inspiring. I wish you luck on whatever path you pursue. I love your books. All of them! I can’t wait to read book 4. Good luck, Sara! You deserve it!
Sara Reply:
August 23rd, 2010 at 2:06 pm
@Shari, Thanks, Shari.
Beautiful post.
Sara Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
@DeAnn Campbell, Thank you. And I wore my SZ necklace today and thought of you!
Sara, may you stay fearful forever then. Your fear seems to serve you well. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Sara Reply:
August 24th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
@Shelli Cornelison, haha – yes, that’s one way to look at it…
Ditto @Bethany. You are easy to admire. (=
I cannot believe it’s been 5 years since STORY OF A GIRL came out. Wow.
Lovely, inspirational post (as usual). Thanks for this.
Your blogs are always so thoughtful. You have a great sense of the joy of writing, but also the practicality behind it.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I’m going to bookmark this post and come back to it whenever I’m in the throes of a writing-induced existential crisis.
Wow, I love this post so much! I especially think every writer should constantly check with themselves on these two questions: “What are the prospects that excite me vs. the ones that just make me feel tired? What would I do with the next year if I didn’t have to think about money?”
And congratulations on your five year anniversary!
Happy Anniversary, Sara! You’re an inspiration, for your books and your down-to-earth approach to the writing life.
Never act from fear is such great advice, especially for those in mid-career. It’s hard to get off the hamster wheel long enough to clear our heads, even when the wheel is on fire. What if someone takes that wheel away?
Thanks for this!
What a great post. I needed to read this, as I’m finishing my first soon-to-be submitted manuscript with my agent, and those fears are gripping me. Like what if I only have one book in me? Thanks so much for sharing this and reflecting on your 5th anniversary of selling your first book. Congrats!
Thanks for sharing. Having time to chat with you over breakfast at the Glen really was a blessing to me and I know we talked a little about this very topic. ( Of course we also talked at length about “FNL” and now I am just dying to know if you finished the rest of season 4 and what you thought!) I so appreciate your humility and desire for creative integrity. And if you ever want me to look at any screenplays you might be working on well… my Act One training should be good for something even if I am not Bradford:-)
You are very brave. Best of luck with whatever life direction you choose. Challenges are truly what keep us alive.
thanks for your post, it truly resonated with me. I have only just decided I wish to embark on writing, seriously. It’s daunting.
I think you might like my blog post about writer’s block -http://innerbeam.blogspot.com/2010/08/courage-to-meet-my-dreams.html
and may be interested to check out my new blog- http://theansweriswriting.blogspot.com/
Would love your feedback!
Cheers,
Sarah
Hey, good to hear I’m not the only writer plagued by fear. (Not that that was ever in doubt. Haha.)
You have sure produced. I signed my first book contract about a year earlier, and I’m just now getting to the fears about starting book #2.
It’s daunting. I’m mulling most of the same questions. And money is always an issue. It’s hard to make it work as a writer.
And it’s funny what can set me off. Last night I went to a really lame one-man play, and I spent most of the show wondering if my writing was that bad, and was I just a big fraud calling myself a writer: all I do is talk about shit and put it on paper. Do I actually do anything? Does anyone care? Did I just hit the spot the one time?
This morning, the fears linger, a little. I remind myself, “No, it was just a bad play.” But still.
Sara Reply:
August 25th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
@Dave Cullen, haha – yes, on bad days all I can think is, “The last thing the world needs is another BOOK.”
Thoughtful. Wise. Helpful. Thank you for thinking this all through and then articulating it so beautifully.
I thought every day after publication would be filled with chocolate, luftballoons, and constant inspiration. Thanks for destroying all my illusions, Sara!
As long as you stay in my life with your funny, smart sense of humor!
I love this sentence: ” I want to have faith that when I step off the comfortable path, I’m not going to freefall forever.” I want to have that faith, too.
Thank you for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences.
This piece and its companion on vocation can get anyone re-wondering about the source of the next challenge – from within – from without, and the roles of finance, love of craft, age and future plans and projects in determining how to meet the challenges, or set them for oneself – and about which decisions are made FOR us somehow. I agree that I want to always be a learner, and hypothetically with the need for risk as part of that. The difficult thing is guessing (assessing) which risks offer the kind of learning I want – they may not be the ones I NEED.
Honey, you don’t look anywhere near 40. I think you’re lying. ;)
After reading “Sweethearts” the word that came into my mind was gentle. And thats why I continue to read your books. I know that when I have children and they become teens I will let them read your books. So, Thank you.