The winds of change are blowing again. Not all that long ago, I blogged about why I rent an office. Now, I’m in the process of moving that office into my home. I can’t totally explain it, just a sense that I want to be at home. (Though I think I am going to keep my away office, just in case.) The space I’m moving into has been a shared space, mostly hosting our desktop computer and desks, cabinets, and shelves that serve no actual function other than storage of stuff I should have thrown away years ago. The space has a lot of potential. To make it work and re-envision it, I’m taking everything out and starting over. It’s total ugly skin-crawling chaos right now, in the middle of the process.
Hate. Chaos.
It’s required me to sort through a ton of accumulated stuff from the last 20 years. When I started, my intention was to sell and give away all the remnants of long-abandoned hobbies and interests. Like my clarinet and clarinet music. My guitar stuff (I gave away the guitar a year ago). My old Canon T-70 and various lenses and tripods. But then, going through that stuff, I got this really painful remembrance of who I used to be. Painful because…Why did I stop playing music? Why did I stop taking photographs just to take photographs? Why did I stop doing theater? What have I lost of myself because of giving those things up?
Music is what connects me most strongly to my parents and sister. My mother and father met in music school, and were/are both talented musicians. My mom writes incredible songs. My dad conducted orchestras. My mom, my sister and I used to all play in a community orchestra together. Music lessons, music stands, sheet music, instruments, scales, practice were all a huge part of my childhood and adolescence. So I’m keeping the clarinet, and getting a new guitar.
Theater is where I met my husband. He acts and directs, I worked back stage and sometimes acted. So much of who I am and who we are together absolutely grew from those projects, those people, and those parties. Finding the old signed programs and pictures and review clippings renewed my interest in getting back into theater, which I haven’t done since leaving CA.
Photography was something I got into just because I liked the idea of telling stories with images, and capturing moments. That’s also part of why I’m interested in screenwriting, and today I’m going to apply for a local screenwriting workshop and see if I can do more with that.
It may sound like I’m in danger of turning into poor Marcia Brady, joining every club in town in an effort to find an identity, but it’s not that. I know who I am, and that person is more than I’ve been lately. I’m all for letting to and simplifying, but sometimes I think in my eagerness to make order and trim commitments and responsibilities, I let go of things I shouldn’t.
10 comments for this post
Okay, I was wrong. You must address this chaos patiently and thoughtfully. Good luck because if I was faced with tossing all of my old sketches and doodles, I’d be in a weird place too. Good luck!
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Thumbs up for this, Sara. Too easy to lose track of what grounds you. Hope the office sort continues apace even while you’re buying new guitars and signing up for classes. …
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Looks like our office since the teenager moved in. We got the rest of the house in order, but still haven’t re-fit the office.
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I’m glad you kept your clarinet. I still have TWO clarinets that I am GOING TO PLAY AGAIN SOMEDAY hopefully when my children are old enough to attend school. If not then, sometime… soon. Music is just so fundamental and primal and emotional and and and I could go on, but I won’t. Great post in general to remind everyone not to neglect the things that make them who they are
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Goodness, I don’t know what I’d do if I had to go through all of my stuff. Sentimental value would probably have me holding on to most of it
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The screenwriting class sounds really interesting, a new territory, or the next step in territory you have explored somewhat. I opened my file cabinets at school yesterday and wondered about chucking all the old files. Hmmm…
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I’m glad you’re not in such a “streamline-everything” mode that you’ve forgotten what’s important to you. That’s great. Also, if you need a labeler for your sheet music, etc., you know where to look!
Oh, and please do invite me on your IKEA trip, should you make one. That place has some clever fixes for smaller spaces.
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Thanks, all, for the comments.
Emily, keep your labeler on standby…
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This is eerie, Sara. I feel like you stepped into MY closet – old cameras, tripods, musical instruments (mine was a piano, long sold by my parents, but I do have my old music). Now that I’ve been writing for 15 years, I am starting to miss that old stuff too. Not that I don’ love writing, but maybe I need to fill myself up again in a different way. And here’s the weirder thing – last week I took a screenwriting workshop. I thought I would want to write a screenplay, but instead I walked out thinking of a new novel. I may revisit the screenplay, but I think I just needed to spread my wings a little again and just play. Thanks for this.
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Just found you through Twitter. I am a freelance marketing writer and aspiring fiction/children’s author. So glad I found you! Enjoy your posts.
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